You stopped inviting her to lunch because she never reaches out to you. You’re always the one to suggest time together. You see her on social media, but she doesn’t “Like” any of your posts in Facebook or click the heart symbol on your Instagram photos.
Do you feel like she is someone you’re always pursuing, someone you want to have a relationship with but she’s never seeking you out for time together?
Sound familiar? Feel like high school all over again … despite the fact we’re now well into our senior years?
Do you feel like you’re the only one in many of your friendships who initializes social interaction?
Everyone wants friendships that reside on an equal footing, where, for the most part, you reach out to her and then, the next time, she reaches out to you. And there are times when you reach out twice in a row. No one should be so anal to always expect contact to go back and forth perfectly balanced between you two. Relationships are a dance.
Sometimes, however, there are friends who truly believe only one person in a relationship needs to initiate everything, and that person isn’t them. This has happened to me, and it left me feeling like I was in the middle of some immature game where the relationship wouldn’t exist unless I was the one always calling or e-mailing the other person to see if and when we could get together.
Who doesn’t like to be pursued … regardless of our age? Who doesn’t like to be sought after for friendship? Who doesn’t want to hear, “Hey, I miss you. Let’s spend some time together.”?
It can be painful when the only one seeking time together is you.
What to do?
First, take a very hard look to see if an unevenness in your relationship is a reality. Go back in your text messages and e-mails to confirm that others haven’t reached out to you, or that they have reached out and you were just too busy doing something else to respond … or you forgot. If it is true that an unevenness exists, there are a couple of ways to handle this situation.
My first suggestion is to talk about it. A friend of mine admitted to me she preferred being pursued and wouldn’t be the one reaching out. I’m not willing to play that game. We talked briefly and I could see she wasn’t going to appreciate my point of view, so I let it go. I don’t avoid her, but I don’t seek her out either.
What have you got to lose by telling her how you feel? Perhaps she doesn’t even know that she’s not reciprocating. And remember too, it’s not necessarily your fault if someone isn’t responsive to your requests.
If talking to her is not something you wish to pursue, or if you talk to her and she’s not going to change, you have two options – and I bet you can guess what they are: 1) you can “break up” with her, or 2) overcome your pride and feelings of resentment and be the one to always reach out. If you’re like me, it took a couple of years for the light bulb to go off that a form of ghosting was even going on. I kept thinking, “We’re elders, this juvenile behavior can’t really be happening.”
More recently I’ve been working on a third option — letting go. My world is filled with lots more people and fun activities than to spend much time worrying about the possible unevenness of one or two relationships. There’s too much angst and negativity tied up in worrying a lot about “Is this happening?” “Do they do this with other people?” “Did I do something wrong?”
Finally …
Remember, others might be feeling this way about you. Don’t be doing the thing that you wish others weren’t doing to you.
Boy, Antonia, this is a dynamic I’ve encountered at all stages of life. Thank you for writing about it.
Thanks for your comment, Debbie. I hope you’ve successfully dealt with this situation to your satisfaction.
Three strikes your out… or maybe 4,5,&6…. LOL
When I awaken to the fact that this is happening, I try one more time. That is my tipping point and I let go…
Thanks for your post, Antonia.
Thanks for your response, Fran. I’ve been trying the letting go thing, and it works for me.
Hi, Antonia–yes, this goes on. I’ve dropped several people over the years. With others, we just both agreed that we liked each other, but are too busy to actively pursue a relationship. With one or two, I am the one who always reaches out, but when I do it’s enthusiastically received and we have fun together. So, I’ve decided it’s worth it. Like everything in life, it’s the balance that counts. Cheers!
Am glad you have found balance, Christine, in what some find a prickly situation.
Thanks for your input!
Hmmm. Okay I’m going to stick my neck out here and hope I don’t get my head bitten off in the process ha ha.
It seems to be assumed that there is a “game” being played, if Friend B doesn’t necessarily respond to Friend A or reciprocate evenly with social invitations. I would like to suggest that it’s quite possible that Friend B is just an introvert (maybe even an extreme introvert) and it doesn’t even occur to her to contact Friend A. She’s not a social person and socializing isn’t even on her radar. She reads her books, she putters in her garden, she plays with her cat, she watches the sunrise. But socializing? Not so much. That doesn’t mean in the least that she doesn’t care about Friend A or value her friendship. Sound crazy? Nope.
There seems to be a common misconception among many extroverts that being “social” is the same as being “caring and kind”. I’m here to humbly suggest that there is almost no relationship between those two traits. I’ve known plenty of social people who are not in the least caring and kind and will in fact be lovely to your face, but turn around and say nasty things behind your back. Now THOSE are the sorts of people I avoid! On the other hand, I have known introverts who will not show up at parties, who never actually think about contacting me unless I contact them first, but who are the very definition of integrity and kindness. And if I’m in trouble or need a helping hand, they will be there in a flash. They don’t gossip, they don’t play games, they just live their lives with quiet integrity and help where they can. Personally, I’ll take those guys over a super-social but not-all-that-kind friend any day of the week.
That doesn’t of course mean that all extroverts are insincere or all introverts aren’t!! That’s not true at all. All I’m saying is that just because a person doesn’t contact you, doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. They may very well care. You need to look for different clues other than just sociability to determine that, in my opinion.
Just thought I’d present another point of view on this subject ❤
Cheers,
Katie .
Am really glad you feel comfortable enough to present your feelings on this issue, Katie. I will never discourage a dissenting point of view!
Actually, I think we agree about people caring about you even if they don’t contact you. In more than one instance, however, it began to feel like a game when clarifying conversations pointed out that there would be no reaching out by the other person because they wished to be pursued. And that’s okay too — just not what I was always willing to do.
Again, thank you for speaking up … always!!
Thanks so much Antonia!
And yes, I totally agree that game-playing is right out for me too.
A most interesting discussion…
Cheers,
Katie
It seems that this has happened before. When I look back I’ve progressed and feel very comfortable. Now in my mature age, I feel very comfortable. Thank you dear Antonia for writing this blog.
Age does have its advantages and perspective is one of those advantages. Thank you Dottie for reading and for being a great role model.
I see this on two levels–I send notes and cards to many people yet I never get a returned mailing from them.
I am part of a group of retired educators who all worked together for decades and now meet up once a month for lunch. We’ve reached and tried to include others in the group, many who have said, “oh, I would love to join you,” only to have them quit coming to the lunches or never get back to us. Someone mentioned the 3 times and you’re out, that’s what we do, we make three invitations and then stop.
When someone shows up in my life, I am kind and gracious. I will reach out, but if I can tell there is no interest in contacting or seeing me, I stop.
Thank you, dkzody, for sharing your experience about reaching out to others. I appreciate knowing how this situation is dealt with by others. Thanks too for reading.