I’ve been scolded on social media for complaining about something the reader considered “a first world problem.” In other words, get over it, Antonia, it’s not a big deal. A recent incident was when I was talking about a long and protracted (and upsetting) call I’d had with a call center in India. I expressed on Facebook how I felt bad about ultimately using anger to get what I needed from the call-taker. The sting of being judged by my friend out in the open on social media was harsh. I could have handled her flippant comment better in a private message. She hadn’t communicated with me in months, so I was caught off guard by her criticism. If you accuse me of being a tad sensitive, I will agree with you. But I unfriended her … not in life, just on social media.
It’s not just with me. I see this sort of backlash happening all over social media.
Say It to My Face
Are you using the cover of electronic communication to speak out in a manner you normally wouldn’t? If you were standing next to me, would you say that to my face?
“Oh, chill, I was only kidding,” has been used when comments are called into question. I’ve got news for you: if you’re kidding, the onus is on you to make sure the reader gets that tiny fact. Put “just kidding” at the end or “LOL” or an emoji to signal your frivolity. Keep in mind electronic communication is flat; it doesn’t carry the hand gestures, smiles or head wags that nuance in-person interactions. We’re all so hot to get our response out there, we forget about how it might be taken by a reader.
Debates
I believe social media is a great forum for debates and, God knows, we’ve had plenty of opportunity for the exchanging of differing points of view lately. I’m sure we’ve all seen, however, innocent “discussions” that start out as friendly banter and quickly turn into the sparing arena with truly hurtful accusations and condemnations hurled about in the rudest of ways. That has happened to a couple of my posts and, well into the thread, I end up deleting the whole conversation because, even with warnings tossed in, some people can’t back off and play nice.
Remember, no argument or debate has been won by name-calling.
Friends rush in to try to calm things down by posting things like, “Hey, no reason to be mean,” to a thoughtless person. Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn’t.
We Need Civility
I’ve done gobs of dramatic eye-rolls over some acquaintances’ posts on social media. The difference is, I keep my thought to myself. I don’t gossip about it, I don’t wag my finger at it, and I don’t try to be snarky or “cute” in a response all will see.
I was taught to keep my mouth shut if my snarky comments weren’t useful or OBVIOUSLY joking. The question is not whether I think it’s a funny response but rather will my reader know it is.
Please think about how your response might be taken. Others might not be as stalwart as you. It might not be as humorous to the reader.
And, if you see others playing dirty, I say call ‘em on it.
Photo: Jason Howie, flickr
Amen!
I am not participating in social media via Facebook, Twitter or any of the other sights. I have found a way to see the pictures of my grandkids and that’s all I’m interested in. The rest breeds useless time-wasting information (no, I don’t care what your chocolate chip cookies look like), and the potential for unloosing the baser human interactions which supposedly as civilized beings we’ve spent our lives trying to control. I have a “knee–jerk” personality” and don’t need any more “triggers.” I think our Twitter President is a prime example of this ignorant, gut-reacting emotional imbalance that is now a major player in our society. When this becomes national policy, we are doomed. The Great Society is vanishing quickly.
I appreciate your blog, Antonia, and DO think there’s a special place for these thoughtful and well-written treatise. You’re willing to put the “uncomfortable” stuff out there and it’s always worth thinking about. THINKING is the major idea here, not just immediate reacting and spewing forth. Thanks!
As always, thank you for the honest comments about your relationship (or not) with social media.
Of late it’s been a struggle for me — discouraging at best and disgusting at worst. Just as much as with the political diatribes are the posts that show animals struggling that ultimately survive (mostly) but suffer until then. On the positive is the connections with friends I wouldn’t otherwise see enough of. For now I’m there, but time may decrease my participation further than the steps I’ve already taken to disengage. I have learned a lot about myself in this process.
Thanks for continuing to read my stuff Christine.
Nicely written and very brave of you to put this out there. I have no idea why some people need to write negative comments on posts. I used to put up quotes I like … one person argued with something Mother Teresa said! Twice! Now I delete posts that are argumentative in tone and I block people who are negative. Just as in “real” life we don’t consider everyone we know our friends, our “virtual” life must be the same way.
Thanks so much for the kudos and for sharing your experiences. I had to laugh at the “…argued with something Mother Teresa said,” comment. I believe it! I’ve become unabashedly a deleter and blocker whenever it feels like the right thing to do.
I totally agree with you Antonia! When I first signed up for Facebook a few years ago, I actually felt sick to my stomach, at what I perceived to be the negative possibilities lurking behind its “Hey let’s be friends” happy face. (the ONLY reason I joined at all was that almost my entire family had already joined and I knew I’d be missing out on all the family photos and news of the day if I didn’t). I haven’t changed my mind about those negative possibilities in the years since and try to be super-careful about what I post and every comment I make. I truly fear that civility is becoming a lost art, which if true, is nothing less than tragic.
So sorry about your nasty experience!
All the best,
Katie
Thanks Katie. I wish there was a clearly visible emoji showing a happy face masking a dubious lurker face right behind it. It’s all been a learning lesson for me.
Facebook brought out the worst in me. I didn’t post a thing, but I spent way to much time privately scoffing at other people’s posts. After a very short time, I didn’t feel very good about my behavior. So, I signed off for good and I am living happily ever after. 🙂 LOL
Thanks for reminding me and others, Mary, that not participating in social media is an okay thing. Life goes on.