I’ve had friends say something like, “When I look at you I don’t see your size, I see a loving friend who is talented, smart and pretty.” I don’t recall saying I wasn’t those things because I’m fat. I have fairly consistently felt like all those things, some stronger at different times. It doesn’t feel like conceit to say that, it just feels like I’m acknowledging myself as a valuable and deserving person whether I’m fat or not.
I have always been confident and capable but being heavy has served a significant role in tempering my strengths and successes. If I didn’t get the promotion, or the guy, or picked early for a team event, it was easy to blame it on being fat.
Over the years my weight issue has acquired a life of it’s own. I continue to perceive it as a possible excuse for any failure or disappointment. I try to recognize that thought process and move on. Sometimes, however, in spite of my efforts, it still feels like a yoke of discomfort and a limitation that I’ve struggle to be rid of.
A little background history
I wasn’t always heavy. I didn’t realize the power of weight until, at age 13, I saw the impact it had on my petite 90 lb. mother who tried to sew for me. Without a re-telling of all the drama, suffice it to say I reveled in having a powerful tool to make her life miserable.
But that was then, and what started out to torture my mother turned out to make my life miserable too. I’ve learned, since then, to take responsibility for my continued weightiness which has lasted off and on until present day. I don’t blame anyone anymore.
Month 1 recap
In the past when I dieted, I starved myself…and could lose 10 pounds or more a month. However, I’ve gotten to the age and temperament where I can’t and don’t want to starve myself. This first month has been pretty easy because I’ve eaten regular food and even had wine frequently. We eat out a lot, and I’ve been able to make choices without feeling deprived. This month I basically avoided carbs (breads, rice, pasta, sugar) but realize leaving out an entire food group for life is probably not feasible. We’ll see….this is all part of the process.
As I said at the beginning, I’d also love to hear your comments on any I’ve shared or on your own experiences if you are or have done this sort of thing in the past.
I’ll report again on Tuesday, July 1st. In the meantime, after losing 5 lbs during the past 30 days, this is me today:
Contact Antonia at Antonia@TheJoyofAgingGratefully.com or