Two mornings ago Rod and I were in the car on our way to breakfast. As often happens, I was using the opportunity to express my expertise on something…anything….I don’t even remember what it was.
In the moment, and without breaking stride, my consciousness left my body and I began to watch myself speak. What I heard shocked me. This is what I heard: “I have the answers, I am smart, I am in control, I can educate you, I can impress you with my knowledge, I can control you, Don’t even think of interjecting something into this conversation (as if I’d ever take a breath long enough for you to do so), I can control any situation.” The main theme of my little diatribe was about controlling someone else’s opinion or thought process about whatever the heck I was talking about. Geesh!
The really sad part was that, in spite of seeing myself speak from outside myself, I couldn’t stop. Not my finest spiritual growth and development hour for sure. I do know, however, I learn from my less than glowing behavior…perhaps not immediately, but eventually.
Control is a main issue for me (along with impatience). I, just for the fun of it, looked up “control” in Louise Hay’s book of ailments to see that control is often associated with kidney stones. Hummm …gee that couldn’t be me, or could it? I have suffered two bouts of kidney stones: a year ago this past Thanksgiving and almost exactly a year later just this Christmas. Uh, perhaps there IS something to my trying to control.
Control is a massive subject, and I could write a hundred blog posts about its role in my life alone. Suffice it to say, it won’t be resolved overnight (much to Rod’s chagrin, I’m sure!). I am motivated to let go of control, and the beginning of letting go is to first acknowledge how it doesn’t serve me. Thus this slightly uncomfortable post…my beginning. More to come about control in the future.
Can you relate?
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