Oh, how I wish I could get it right. How I wish I could just wake up one morning and not do anything to hurt another, or frustrate them or make them roll their eyes. Have you ever had these wishes? It’s like waking up the morning of a new diet. “Today, I’m going to get it!” But I’m not talking about dieting. I’m talking about containing, managing and corralling my human side.
My spiritual side is always perfect…whole….open….just the way it is. My human side, on the other hand, speaks without listening and, in an effort to be cute…or knowledgeable…or correct, says hurtful things to others. Why? Why am I not able to just keep my mouth shut? Why can’t I let another say and feel and do what they want, even if I know a better way, or even if I disagree with their process? I’m pretty smart. You’d think I know to just listen.
Intellectually I know that my spiritual and human sides are one, that my angst about being imperfect is just where I’m supposed to be. Knowing this, however, doesn’t raise me up, at least not today. I want to stop saying and doing hurtful things. I want to be that person that others emulate, that person people want to be with because it’s pretty predictable that I’m NOT going to be a jerk.
Sound like a pity party? Perhaps so. But I know you’ve been where I am. I know that as we evolve and grow, moments like this feel harsh and a million steps backward.
I guess that’s all part of the process of being human.
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