It’s time to admit that I’ve been in chronic pain for the last five years with leg achiness and weakness from spinal stenosis, made worse this past year by a heel spur. My close friends have known because I’m always looking for a place to sit, I don’t mingle at parties, and I let my husband do nearly all the shopping and errands that might require standing in a line for more than a minute or two.
If I’d developed these problems from excessive mountain biking or marathon running, I’d wear them like a badge and my doctors and friends would probably high-five me. But my problems developed due to age, and have been exacerbated by excessive weight. So there it is, I’ve neglected my body to the point where I feel so much shame that I haven’t been able to talk about my pain. But it’s time.
I know there are lots of people, both young and old, who haven’t always done the best for their bodies and are now struggling with the consequences that make them less physically able to live their best life. How I periodically neglected my body affects my behavior when I go to the doctor seeking treatment because I feel less deserving than say a mountain biker. I’m afraid the doctor will think or even say, “You’re fat; you don’t take care of yourself. I’m not going to provide treatment to make you better.”
My friend Adam is thirty-five, tall and trim; he looks very fit. When I told him my fear that I won’t get the treatment I need because of my weight, he started laughing. “I’ve been just as stupidly hard on my body probably as you, but it doesn’t show, and that’s unfair.” Evidently Adam has ridden his bike at 50 to 60 mph on treacherous stretches of road numerous times, knowing full well he was taking risks with his well-being. Both arms and legs are decorated by permanent scars from scrapes with the pavement. He actually broke his collar bone three separate times in crashes where he was going way too fast, yet, every time he sought treatment for his broken body, he was welcomed as a road warrior, a seeker of excellence. His story reminds me about the guy who broke his heel completely off his foot during a competitive trek and continued the last twenty-five miles of the walk without seeking repair. He too was lauded by friends, fellow competitors, and the emergency personnel and doctors who treated him.
If you’re heavy, you know the feeling of being judged as uneducated, slovenly, lacking in self-esteem and incompetent. If you’re not heavy, you won’t believe this, but fat people know what you’re thinking. And they are putting themselves down more than anyone else can.
Now I’m at the end of all the possible treatments for my heel spur, and surgery is next. It’s been two days since I reached out to the doctor, and neither he nor anyone from his office has called me back. No doctor has spoken the words to my face, “You’re too fat to justify treatment,” but it’s my fear.
I know in my head that accepting myself is key, and I’m working on that. Hopefully, with this post, my heart can jump on board.
It has always outraged me that heavy people are judged negatively by others. It seems to be the last acceptable prejudice in our society. It sure as heck isn’t acceptable to me.
I am a life-long scrawny person, married for over 40 years to someone who has been “overweight”, since he was a little kid (he takes after his mom, who was also always heavy, while his Dad was always thin). I know for a fact that there has never been anything wrong with these people’s eating habits, exercise habits or anything else. They are bright, educated, highly competent people, who eat an exemplary diet, full of fresh vegetables & fruits, whole grains, home cooked, well-balanced meals, blah blah… But the pounds stay on them nonetheless, while their spouses (me and my father-in-law), eat the same foods right along side them (along with added ice cream and cookies because we both have a sweet tooth) and we don’t gain a pound.
Anyone who tells me that these guys are somehow at fault because of their weight will get a slap upside the head from me. I have zero patience with such cruel and ignorant judgments. The very WORST offenders are those smug, self-satisfied skinny people who go around bragging about what good shape they’re in and how they “care for themselves” and by implication, so should everybody else. Gag. If only they knew that they may look good on the outside, but boy-oh-boy they sure are ugly on the inside 🙂 They are the ones who really need work.
Pay no attention to these insufferable people, Antonia.
Also, you might try making a picture book of all the gorgeous, accomplished, revered women in the world who would doubtless be considered overweight by American standards. There are a lot of them!
You go girl!
Katie
Your sentiments and points of view are greatly appreciated, Katie.
I also think I’m going to try the picture book idea; it’d be an
excellent reminder of women who rise above it all.
Hi Antonia,
Many of us are decorated with invisible scars from our scrapes with others who let us know, intentionally or unintentionally, that we are/were fat. Kudos to you for being willing to talk about your feelings, which are shared by many.
You deserve the same care and respect as anyone else on this planet!
XO,
Mary
Thanks, Mary. We talked about this years ago, and I knew you’d be able to relate
to my challenges in this area of my life. I appreciate your support and love.
You make me glad that I risk being vulnerable.
PS Also, many many people who are not heavy have spinal stenosis…it’s extremely common, unfortunately. My fit and healthy 70 year old brother has it and so does my extremely fit daughter-in-law. Neither of them is overweight.
And pretty much all of us over the age of 65 have at least some health issues, regardless of how well we’ve cared for ourselves earlier in life. It just comes with the territory 🙂
Hhmmmmm….well, been there, done that! I was raised by people who considered overweight a moral failing, a sin. So, of course, as a teen I put on lots of weight. How ashamed they were! It worked to rebel as a teen, but then who gets left with the fat and the shame? Me. Also, it’s very hard for me NOT to shame myself for my anxiety/depression issue. Only weaklings have mental health issues, right? Only crazy people take medication. For shame! I don’t have any answers here–this is something you and I have talked about as long as we’ve known each other. Still, one of my favorite memories is going to yoga class and then heading straight to the ice cream parlor–how we would laugh! So f— ’em!
I am SO sorry that you’ve been suffering alone with the stenosis thing. Then to feel guilty about it just adds another layer. Bah humbug! Please know that all of us out here love and support you in doing whatever needs to be done to feel better inside and out! You’re not alone–let us in! Love ya.
Yes, Christine, we’ve certainly logged beaucoup hours talking about shameful issues from our childhood and adult lives. Thank you for sharing your experiences here. It’s the strength of friendships that allow me to put it all out there knowing I’m not alone and that I don’t have to be perfect in opening up. Love you too!
Oh Antonia, thank you for taking the risk in sharing what you have been going through, it takes real guts to be so honest. I really had no idea of the extent of your physical troubles. I have never met you in ‘real life’ and had no idea if you were overweight or not, I didn’t care one way or the other and I still don’t. What mattered to me was all the caring and wisdom you pour in to your writing, it shines out from every page and I have felt the richer for having come across your journal by accident some time ago now. I can’t really begin to know how awful it must feel to be so stigmatized because of your weight, I work in the medical profession and I feel as if I want to apologize for all the ignorance that I know is out there regarding weight. I really just want to say I hope you get the treartment you so need and that you are entitled to. Thank you for being so courageous.
I’m the fortunate one, Cathleen, to have found a woman of my own heart from so far away. I feel the connection you speak of and appreciate the richness of our fellowship. Keep reading and, more importantly, keep sharing your words and wisdom here and on FB. Thank you!